How to stop being so hard on yourself

In today’s post, I’m going to tell you how to stop being so hard on yourself, so grab your favorite drink and get comfortable, because here we go!

It’s very common these days to find women who are very hard on themselves, beating themselves up, judging themselves, criticizing themselves, and demanding more of themselves than necessary. I was one of them until relatively recently.

And what’s usually hidden behind all this? Perfectionism, fear of doing things wrong, fear of making mistakes, wanting to meet your own expectations or the expectations of others, seeking approval from others, wanting to be productive all the time, and so on.

And in our current society, it seems that being too hard on yourself is rewarded.

I’m going to tell you my story on this topic so you can understand it better. I’ve loved dancing since I was a little girl, and when I danced as a child, I never thought about whether I was going to make a mistake, or whether others were going to judge me. I just started dancing and I enjoyed it.

But now that I’m older, when I took up dancing again at thirty-three, I felt like I wasn’t having as much fun as I had when I was a little girl, and that I wasn’t enjoying it. Not only that, but I also demanded a lot from me, judging me, criticizing me, and constantly beating me up every time I danced. And just thinking that my time to dance was approaching made me a little nervous and I didn’t feel like doing it much for fear of doing it wrong.

When I realized this, I wondered, “Where did that joy I felt when I was a little girl go?” And that’s when I realized that as a child, I didn’t think when I danced. I just put on the music and started dancing, enjoying the dance, the present moment. And I also realized how perfectionist and demanding I had become, all because deep down, I was afraid of not doing things right, especially after so many years without dancing, and I was afraid of being too old to dance again.

So I started working on that perfectionism, on that fear of making mistakes, and my feeling of nervousness has diminished, and now I enjoy dancing much more, without thinking about anything, similar to when I was a little girl, although I’m still working on this.

And I wondered, where did all this perfectionism, this over-demanding, this beating myself up, these judgments, and these criticisms of myself come from? And I realized it was all due to limiting beliefs that my environment had instilled in me as I grew up. For example, I had a teacher in high school who told me that since I always did everything right, she couldn’t allow me to make mistakes, and that pressure became a part of me, even though it seemed like a huge burden. But I was thirteen at the time, and I didn’t question the beliefs that my teacher instilled in me.

And we also live in a hyper-competitive society, where it seems like we have to be productive all the time, otherwise we’re wasting our time and our lives.

Now I’ll leave you with a few tips so you can free yourself and stop being so hard on yourself:

Number 1: become aware of your tendency to be too hard on yourself. The first step is to realize that you’re too hard on yourself, that you criticize, judge, and beat yourself up, so that you can change.

Number 2: accept mistakes as a normal and natural part of life. We fear mistakes because, ever since we were little kids, we were taught to fear them and avoid them at all costs, all thanks to the industrial education system we experienced as children when we went to school, and which is still present in our society, even though it’s a system that’s become completely obsolete.

In the industrial education system, one or more mistakes meant a penalty or a bad grade. And in the worst cases, we were forced to repeat a year. So, it’s normal that in our adult lives, we panic about making mistakes because it’s something that was instilled in us since we were little girls.

But in reality, mistakes are part of life. Mistakes are the tools life has given us to help us evolve. So, it’s about changing the limiting belief that mistakes are bad and starting to think about what mistakes really are: mistakes are the tools life give us to help us evolve, as I told you before. Put this new belief in your head and you’ll see how your level of over-demand for yourself begins to decrease.

Number 3: notice if you have a negative self-talk. If you are too hard on yourself, you most likely have negative self-talk, and becoming aware of it it’s very important so you change it. You might tell yourself things like, “I’m so stupid!”, “I’m not good enough”, “I should be doing more”, “I can’t do this”, “I’m ugly”, and so on. Change it to positive affirmations like, “I’m worthy”, “I am enough”, “I’m doing everything I need to”, “If I keep practicing, I’m sure I’ll succeed”, “I’m very beautiful”, and so on.

Number 4: practice self-compassion. Having self-compassion means being empathetic and kind to yourself. Treat yourself well. Treat yourself with love, with care, with gentleness.

Connect with yourself and your body. Notice what your soul whispers to you, notice the sensations in your body and figure out what they’re trying to tell you.

Maybe they’re telling you to slow down your life, to not be always rushing everywhere, to prioritize yourself, to protect your energy and your peace of mind, or to learn to say no, because when you learn to say no to things that aren’t good for you or that you don’t feel like doing, you say yes to yourself and to what you truly want.

Many people think that self-compassion means settling for what you have and staying stagnant, but that’s not the case. Self-compassion is not incompatible with the desire to achieve and live your dreams. And in reality, what happens when you practice self-compassion is just the opposite: you start doing things faster and better.

And it’s not about rushing through life, not at all. That’s not healthy.

But it’s true that the people who are hardest on themselves or most overly demanding are the ones who stagnate the most and hinder their own evolution.

On the other hand, more self-compassionate people tend to focus on the things and situations that are evolving and going well for them. They tend to be more positive and focus more on learning, and this helps them achieve things more quickly.

And I insist, it’s not about rushing through life, but when you remove those mental obstacles that are limiting you, it makes everything flow much more smoothly.

Number 5: don’t seek the approval of others. Don’t care what others think of you. We live in a society where we’re required to have the perfect body, the perfect partner, the perfect job, the perfect children, and so on. And this may also be what’s causing you to be too hard on yourself.

Maybe when you were a child, your environment planted all these ideas in your head that you have to be perfect and good at everything, which ended up penetrating your subconscious and becoming your internal dialogue. And if you’re constantly seeking the approval of others, that will make you even harder on yourself.

Number 6: focus on the positive in you. And don’t tell me you don’t have anything good about you because that’s not true. You have so many good things, and it’s time you recognize them as such.

Number 7: reconnect with your inner child. Your inner child still lives inside you, and I’m sure you wouldn’t be so hard on her.

For this exercise, it will help to have a photo of yourself when you were four or five years old.

You can talk to your inner child with your mind, but you can also do it out loud or by writing it down, telling her everything you’d like to tell her.

This exercise will help you realize that being so hard on yourself isn’t helping you at all or leading you to anything good, because you would normally speak to a child in a softer, gentler, and less demanding way than you would to yourself or another adult.

Number 8: boost your self-esteem and self-love. Love yourself unconditionally. You can use positive affirmations to do this. When you don’t love yourself and have low self-esteem, it’s hard to show who you are because you’re afraid of not being accepted by others.

But if you are not authentic, you’ll attract people who won’t be authentic either and who will love you for the masks you show them and not for your true self, and those kinds of relationships are not worthy.

Another way to boost your self-esteem and self-love is to dress in clothes that you identify with and that make you feel good. This may seem silly, but it’s actually very effective and powerful. Changing your personal image is the easiest way to boost your self-esteem. Above all, the most important thing, I insist, is that it makes you feel good.

Number 9: boost your self-confidence. Likewise, positive affirmations will be your greatest allies. And making decisions. And having body language that expresses that self-confidence, which is head held high, shoulders back, chest slightly up, legs slightly apart, and a smile. If you are not feeling confident, adopt this posture because you can change your emotions by changing your body posture.

Number 10: stop linking productivity to your self-worth. This is very common these days. This is very common these days.

But this linking of productivity to self-worth comes from the Second Industrial Revolution, when farmers moved to the city to work in factories, where times was seen as money and productivity as personal worth.

But in reality, this isn’t true. You are valuable simple for existing. And time isn’t money. Time is time, and money is money. One has nothing to do with the other.

And productivity also has nothing to do with personal worth. The thing is, for many generations we’ve been led to believe that it is, and we’re still carrying that Second Industrial Revolution mentality.

Number 11: make room in your schedule to rest and relax. Doing nothing every now and then is good for you because it allows you to disconnect and recharge. Rest and relaxation aren’t a luxury, they’re a necessity.

In our society, due to the Second Industrial Revolution mentality, it seems frowned upon to do nothing and rest or relax.

But you know what? Whoever thinks this way is their problem. You’re not here on Earth to please others, but to please yourself.

And if your body tells you to rest and relax, listen to it because your body is always right.

Listen to relaxing music, a guided meditation, or simply be in silence with your eyes closed while lying in bed or on the couch. You’ll see how much better you feel after a while.

Number 12: celebrate your achievements, no matter how small they are. Often, when we reach a goal, we feel a sense of satisfaction and joy, but they often don’t last long because we immediately focus on the next thing we want to accomplish. Instead of immediately moving on to the next goal, celebrate all of your accomplishments.

Number 13: practice gratitude. This helps you view life more positively and appreciate what you already have. Be grateful for all the good things you have and all you’ve achieved. This will reduce the excessive demands you place on yourself.

You can write down five things you’re grateful for as soon as you wake up. And then at night before going to bed, write down five things that made you feel grateful throughout the day. This will help you sleep better and have better health, both physically, mentally, and spiritually.

And that's it.

I hope you liked it and that it's been useful for you.